The Most Powerful Phrase for Managing Conflict

No matter who you are, where you work, or how you live your life, you will inevitably encounter conflict situations, in which someone else’s ideas or goals do not align with yours. You can attempt to avoid conflicts by avoiding certain people or by suppressing your own position, but these tactics are only temporary, and they tend to allow conflicts to fester. Unresolved conflicts are the root causes of wars, dissolved marriages, and dysfunctional workplaces.

Conflict itself is not necessarily a bad thing; it can create opportunities for us to re-examine our own thinking, consider other viewpoints, and develop a more enlightened view of a situation. Where conflict becomes a problem is when we allow it to escalate: instead of appreciating differences and learning to work through them to achieve compromises, we retrench around our own position, ascribe ignoble motives to the other party, and close off the possibility of negotiating mutually acceptable solutions.

It’s all too easy for us to inadvertently allow a conflict to escalate. We can go into a conversation with benevolent intentions, and soon find ourselves with a racing pulse, a knotted stomach, and a sense of regret that we ever engaged. Our inner voice may be saying “I’m reasonable and open-minded, right? But why is that other party being so stubborn and unreasonable? Maybe I’m just dealing with a selfish jerk who’s trying to take advantage of me, so I’d better be on guard and protect my own interests.” Once we get to this point, bad can go all too quickly to worse, and we end up with a much bigger conflict that generates even more negativity.

Getting at the Real Underlying Motives

Few conflicts start with an opposing party who is actively seeking to harm you. You are not the focus of their attention; they’re focused their own views and goals. Of course, true malice may arise if you allow the conflict to escalate, but escalation can usually be avoided if you make an honest effort to understand the real underlying motives of the other party. Seek understanding in an open and constructive way, and you can defuse the conflict and open possibilities for better outcomes.

You don’t need a degree in psychology to figure out the underlying motives. Getting the facts is much easier than you might think – all you need to do is ask.

How to Ask: Use Three Powerful Words

Next time you sense that a conflict is developing, try starting a sentence with these three words: “Help me understand….”. Consider what this simple phrase does:

1. It stops escalation – or at least pauses it.

Escalation happens when two parties focus on their own positions. When you focus the discussion on the position of the other party, the conflict is temporarily set aside.

2. It signals positive intent.

When you ask for help in understanding, you are indicating a willingness to consider the views and goals of the other party. You are acknowledging that their position may be perfectly valid, and that you simply may not have all the facts and subtleties needed to grasp why they think or feel the way they do. You are indicating that you want to understand the other party — and who doesn’t yearn to be understood?

You might fear that asking to understand could weaken your own position, but it really doesn’t. At this point in the discussion, you’re not ceding territory; you’re merely trying to see how it looks from a different viewpoint.

3. It changes your own mindset.

When you say “Help me understand”, you take your own brain out of defensive mode and put it into receptive mode. The change of purpose and the corresponding defusing of tension have effects that you can really feel: your muscles relax a bit, your heart rate drops toward a more normal level, and your stance changes from a closed, defensive one to a more open, engaging one.

As you relax and show more openness, you’ll typically see the other party do the same. This sets the stage for productive negotiations toward a mutually acceptable solution.

Who would have thought that a key to managing so many of the world’s conflicts could be a simple 3-word phrase?

Fulfill Your Promise by Listening Actively

Of course, saying “Help me understand” is not alone sufficient to resolve a conflict – you must follow up with active listening so that the other party feels understood and validated. Listen carefully and objectively, putting your own thoughts and judgments aside until later. As you take in what you are hearing, pause occasionally so that you can repeat and paraphrase what you have been told. Ask the other party if they think you understood correctly, and encourage them to refine any details you didn’t

get quite right. Continue alternately listening and paraphrasing until the other party has said their piece, then ask “Is there more?” Repeat until the other party is satisfied that you have a complete understanding.

The active listening process takes patience and discipline, but it’s crucial for making the other party feel understood and validated. When you reach that point, you’re then in a good position to ask for your views to be heard and understood, using the same active listening mechanism.

Two parties that practice active listening are usually able to identify areas of agreement, and negotiate mutually acceptable compromises for items that are in dispute.

Why Don’t We Default to Seeking Understanding?

You may quite reasonably wonder why we naturally seem to favor defensive habits that escalate conflicts, rather than reaching out to understand. I’m not a neuroscientist, but it seems likely that we default to self-protective habits that are driven by the fear center of our old brain (cerebellum). To override the default reaction, we have to make conscious efforts and engage the modern, rational parts of the brain (cerebrum) to handle the issue in a more effective way.

We’re stuck with the brains we have, but the good news is that we can develop the habit of reaching out for understanding, and even get it to become our predominant response to conflict situations. Practice this technique, and you’ll get better at it. The positive outcomes you enjoy will help reinforce the behavior, and hopefully bring you to the point that your natural response to a conflict will become “Help Me Understand”.

Copyright © 2016 Jim Schibler — All rights reserved

Photo credits: Catfight courtesy of Dennis Carr; Couple in Conflict courtesy of David Castillo Dominic at freedigitalphotos.net; Business Meeting courtesy of Ambro at freedigitalphotos.net.

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